I don't want to be a computing person. I've known this for a while. I can be a computing person, it's something that comes pretty easily to me. And I could just be one, get a great salary and do good by giving most of it to charity. That's the compromise I've been consoling myself with for years now - not everyone can do the hands-on work, they need people to support the work financially.

But it seems hollow...

Even as a part-time waitress I have hundreds of dollars tied up in Kiva, hundreds given to globalgiving, more than a hundred gone to MSF this year. It's never enough. But in a way, it's more efficient. If I finish this degree I can help more people by donating as befits an IT professional over a period of years than I can by physically getting involved in humanitarian or whatever efforts. There is no shortage of people wanting to go overseas and build houses and so on.

Anyway, the daft thing is that it's Kiva that's brought all of this up. Kiva being a website and all. Made by IT professionals. Yeah. I just don't know. The connection is what's missing.

I guess all anyone wants is to be part of something that matters. To matter.

my mind is always racing and it's very tiring

circular nonsensical thoughts going around and around

never reaching any conclusion

(other than

"claire, you deserve to die.")

I can't think whole thoughts. I lose track of what i'm saying, and completely forget what i'm talking about, even in the space of half a sentence. Or a word. This is why i most frequently say short phrases that make people laugh but do not start a conversation, or else use sound bites from a collection i have, such as 'that's awesome' 'omg seriously' 'slaaaaag' 'that's so cool' 'best planz' etc. you probably know them all. that's why you can finish some of my sentences, helena, and why radhika can as well - everything i say is entirely predictable because it comes from a bank of pre-recorded messages, occasionally patched together into a nonsensical remix of garbled crap.

This is why people think I'm a good listener. I'm not, i'm just a bad talker.

Then again, maybe everyone does this, and just has a greater selection of pre-recorded messages and a faster processor on which to remix them. Maybe they even don't. Maybe it's hard to notice unless you're keeping track.

So for now, we shall communicate only by the written word, and amuse each other by the spoken.

~emo thought for the day~

BEWARE EMO POST

here's the thing. i'm very, very protective of my room, and anyone coming into it makes me really anxious. this is a fact. seriously. so when andrew comes in, locks the door and won't leave, won't leave, won't fucking leave, won't listen when i beg him to just go away, just keeps talking and telling me why i'm a bad person and pretending he's my parent and has the right to find fault with everything about me instead of being my fucked up little brother... i freak out. i really really do. and it's awful and i hate myself for it and far out i'm a different person around him... seriously, think claire, irate and screaming profane abuse.

i'm out of control. maybe i can blame hormones or some shit. but seriously, this is not good.

but i don't know what else i could have done, i couldn't leave, he wouldn't let me out.. couldn't ignore him or anything, he was in my room, going through my stuff

:( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :(

ok done with the emo

FOR NOW... *suspenseful music*

WHY AM I GROWING WHITE HAIR

OLD

OLD

OLD

OLD

I HAVE THE BEGINNINGS OF WRINKLES TOO

OLD

OLD

OLD

I AM 19 YEARS OLD

university is the worst thing in the entire world
4 years of learning stuff you don't care about so you can get a job you hate
woot

*despairs*

AN ODE TO HELENA

O HELG
YOU MAKE ME CRY BLACK TEARS
WHEN I THINK WITH REGRET ABOUT THE HOURS UPON HOURS I COULD HAVE SPENT LEARNING MATHS
HAD YOU LEFT ME TO READ ONLY VOLE FANFICTION OF WHICH I WOULD HAVE QUICKLY TIRED

O HELG
I THINK BACK TO A TIME WHEN I USED CAPITAL LETTERS IN A GRAMMATICALLY APPROPRIATE MANNER
AND I WEEP FOR WHAT I HAVE BECOME

O HELG
IT APPEARS THAT I AM GOING TO HAVE TO GET USED TO READING SLASH PORN
AND THAT THE MOST I CAN HOPE FOR IS THAT THE CHARACTERS ARE NOT IN EACH OTHER'S IMMEDIATE FAMILY
AND THAT THEY ARE BOTH HUMAN, OR IF NOT, BOTH OF THE SAME OR SIMILAR SPECIES
TO THIS, I AM RESIGNED

O HELG
FOR BROADENING MY MIND, I THANK YOU
FOR SHOWING ME THE LIGHT, I THANK YOU
FOR MAKING ME WANT TO RIP OUT MY EYES WITH A RUSTY FORK, I THANK YOU

WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY